you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
