Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
