I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
His nipple licking is glorious
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