she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
