Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
