3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
