Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
