Where is the hickey?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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