i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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