Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
