i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
