Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
