I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
