My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
