dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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