Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
