You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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