You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
