i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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