i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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