at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
