i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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