I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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