i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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