I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
