Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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