The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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