Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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