he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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