Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I need moral support for this bender
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
