My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
