There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
