They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
