I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
