i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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