just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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