Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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