I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
