just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
