Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
