What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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