I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
