I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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