hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
