please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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