1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
