Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
