why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
