For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
