I hate all girls vehemently.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
