the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
