Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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