i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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