I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
