I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
