I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
