Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
