im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
